What’s in the stars for you in 2026? Sophie Quick is horoscoping things out, and the signs point to yikes.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Are you courageous and fiery or are you just awful? It’s a great question. The new year is an opportunity to overhaul your ghastly aura. This is an urgent project so get cracking asap.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Some people age like fine wine. You are aging like warm yoghurt. Sour and fuzzy-textured; you are approaching your Season of Curdle. Don’t fight it. In your fully rancid era, you will be thrillingly dangerous.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
The possibilities are endless for Geminis in 2026. Will you punch an ibis? Will you find your old snorkel? Will you buy a new mop? Will you redeem your Chemist Warehouse gift voucher? No. No. Maybe. No.
Cancer (June 22 – July 23)
None of the first astrologists were Cancerians. They assigned all the enigmatic character traits to their own star signs and left Cancerians with sensitive. You’re so much more than sensitive. You’re dashing and brainy. You’re golden. In 2026, expect triumph.
Leo (July 24 – August 22)
You’ll have a profound experience in an aquarium supply warehouse on 27 September. Start planning your outfit ahead of time. You’ll need something that suits ecstatic movement in a humid environment.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Nobody likes Virgos and there are good reasons for that. You could learn a lot if you kept better company. Maybe in 2026 you could all just disband and quietly redistribute yourselves across the other star signs.
Libra (September 23 – October 23)
Good things come to those who wait. Just kidding. The truth is: good things come to those who are lucky. Will you be lucky in 2026? It is unclear. I am not a qualified astrologist, and qualified astrologists are not qualified either.
Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)
“Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard are sweeter.” Keats was right. Don’t accept low-register praise in 2026. Tune in to sweeter frequencies. If someone says, “Nice shirt,” hear, “You are glorious; you are a champion.”
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’ve tried crying while eating a taco, so you already know that life is hard and complicated. Can it get worse in 2026? It can, but not for people who deserve it. It’s time to be terrible.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Things are looking dry, sad, insipid. You are spiralling into a rice-crackers-and-decaf kind of lifestyle. You’re better than that, old goat! Let’s focus on hydration and interpersonal vigour in 2026.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Congratulations on your independent streak and originality, Aquarius. But just remember: if you eat sand, you will get constipated. If you fake your own death, you will have to re-sit your driving test.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Lighten up, my fishy friend! You spent 2025 in a reservoir of algae and suspicion. The weirdos got under your gills. But the new year will bring peace and improved pH. By April, you’ll be bathing in sweet self-esteem.
By Sophie Quick
Sophie Quick is the author of The Confidence Woman.
Instagram: @squickens
Published in ed#752
Want more of The Big Issue?
Subscribe to The Big Issue magazine to enjoy powerful journalism, stories from our vendors, and more — all delivered straight to your door.
Subscribe now.